“My misfortune is doubly painful to me because it will result in my being misunderstood. For me there can be no recreation in the company of others, no intelligent conversation, no exchange of information with peers; only the most pressing needs can make me venture into society. I am obliged to live like an outcast.”

Poor Beethoven...sometimes I feel really bad for him.

ugggghhhh I suck at life for not posting for over a month. ridiculous.

my life in a nutshell:

trying to find time for ken
graduate school applications
senior project
trying to not gain weight (i've gained 3 pounds)
dealing with resident drama
IWCA (thank god it's over)
figuring out my life

not quite there yet. haven't figured out what i'm doing next year because i can send off grad school applications all i want, but then it's out of my hands. so i have a plan B, which is to go to france and learn the language since that would be beneficial as a graduate student.

dr. marsh destroyed my paper. i realize it wasn't fabulous, but really. there's no reason to treat people the way he does when they make mistakes. i'm a student, and anything i write is going to be less sophisticated than what he writes. there are nicer ways of criticizing. and i'm surprised i kept from crying as long as i did. ironically enough, last week i thought about how i hadn't cried during a marsh class, and that maybe this semester would be the FIRST semester that i would have gone all the way through without feeling like an insignificant, single-celled organism. clearly, i was wrong. oh well. suck it up. life goes on.

that's all, really.

So I feel like hell. And I missed Sarah's calls today. No good. That makes me sad, because I love talking to her, and we never have time to talk to one another. It's very unfortunate. And I'm too tired to do anything so I just want to sit here and watch movies, but I didn't bring any home because I figured that it would be easier to get my work done if I didn't have lots of distractions...buuut it figures that something like this would happen.

On a happier note, I'm so close to finishing my analysis of the Diabelli Variations that I can almost taste it. Yes, that's right. I can almost taste the music.

Going to Gatlinburg with my parents. I'm excited. I'd be even more excited if I could find my iPod so I don't have to listen to my dad's country music all the way up and back, though...

Home for Break. So pumped. I know I have TONS of work to do beginning tomorrow (I'm taking today off. Screw work for now.), but I'm glad to be home and around different people, aka, almost NO ONE. I just need to have some quiet time to myself.

Fru went to Oxford for a little while. So jealous. I miss her.

AHHH and it didn't even turn out right. The last entry I mean. Okay. I'm over this day.

I hate Mondays. This is what my typical Monday looks like: French French homework lunch more homework dinner around 5:15 writing center @ 6:00 gym shower staff meeting homework bed This is what my Monday looks like today: Meeting with Dr. Gibbs Breakfast French quiz French homework Lunch homework/bulletin board stuff gym dinner @ 5:15 hall program 7:00-9:00 area staff bowling (such bullshit) @ 9:00 study powwow for heller's test tomorrow And I just made my LJ screen really really small. And I don't know what I did. FUCK. This is why Mondays suck. Seriously. If anyone can tell me how to fix the TINY print, please do so. My eyes are bad enough.

I got a 95 on my first French test! Very happy. I don't care that it was only on chapters 1 & 2...a 95 is a 95. (if only I had gotten the gender right on those nouns!) 

Why can't I have dreams that contain good meanings? Why is it that my dreams always indicate something bad? Last night, I dreamt that I was walking on a frozen pond, and I dreamt that I was walking on very thin ice and I can't actually remember if I crashed through or not. Someone else did for certain, but I'm not sure if I did. Nonetheless, it isn't very happy. All these emotions running through my head are coming dangerously close to being blurted out.

I think Alex K. is going to try to start dating this girl Bethany. So much drama. She's just a horrid little wretch. What he sees in her is completely beyond me. But...then again, this is the same thing that happened with him last semester. He deserves so much better than these girls he keeps going after! He keeps going for these little girls who know nothing about emotions or life, but who are just competitive and who just want a guy to be with. It's frustrating to see it happening again, becaus Alex is one of my close friends...and he's so sweet.

There's too much drama this year. Too much drama. Entirely too much. With school, with friends, with residents, with RAs...it's completely ridiculous.

oh. I also had a sex dream about the same person that I kissed. DAMN IT. I need to stop this.

To dream about sex, refers to the psychological completion and the integration of contrasting aspects of the Self.  You need to be more receptive and incorporate aspects of your dream sex partner into your own character. Alternatively and a more direct interpretation of the dream, may be your libido's way of telling you that it's been too long since you have had sex. It may indicate repressed sexual desires and your needs for physical and emotional love. 

To dream about sex with someone other than your spouse or significant other, suggests dissatisfaction with the physical side of your relationship. On the other hand, it may be harmless fantasy.

Harmless fantasy? yeah, I'm not thinkin so...
Damn it. Why him? Why do I have this damned dreams about him?? Christ.

Visited Mer last night...VT was SO crowded! I couldn't believe how many people were in that apartment! I definitely had that sardine feeling going on. There was this girl, Reid (sp?), who came up to us, and she was SO friendly! She was also SO drunk. She said that she was a freshma and she was talking to some other girls but "They don't seem as cool as you guys. Shhhhh!" So we talked to her for a little bit. I missed my Frushka so much! I'm so glad I got to see her...and it's always nice to see Luca too. She's a sweet girl.

We also played Apples to Apples before we went out. Oh my gosh, SO MUCH FUN. This was my first experience with this game, and it was AMAZING! We had such a good time. Some highlights: 

Adj: Squeaky Clean
Winning Noun: Festering Wounds

Adj: Shiny
Winning noun: Rosie O'Donnell

Hm...there were some other good ones, but I'm drawing a blank. Fru should help me remember them if she can!

In other news, I'm on duty tonight. Eh. It could be worse, but I have so much homework to do. And I hate doing homework on a Saturday night, even if I am on duty and have nothing better to do. At least I got my French done, and one assignment for my symposium class. I'm going to work on the other assignment now I think...

Then I'll do some reading for Dr. Marsh. Ewww...

It's only 10:19 and I'm tired already. This is a problem since I have to be up until 2:00. Stupid duty...
 

Classes start tomorrow morning. I have French 101, nothing, lunch, then history of the Modern Middle East. I'm thinking of dropping the Middle East because I want to audit it, but I'm afraid I won't have enough time to put into the class, and there's no point in auditing a class I won't do the work for...

I had to write up one of my girls last night for having alcohol in her fridge. There was so much drama, but I'm glad it's all resolved now. We had a mediation session, and it went very well. I'm really glad because I really didn't want to deal with tons of ongoing drama for the first couple of weeks of classes.

The drama was basically just roommate issues...they got off on the wrong foot and it went downhill. Renee might have to go camping with my boss (also named Renee)...we'll see how that turns out.

Ugh I'm so tired and I have so much to do already! I still haven't written that draft for Dr. Marsh, and I have to go back through the Beethoven biography and take notes on it...ugh. I read that like 2 months ago. I wish I had known that Dr. M would've wanted a summary of this biography. Damn. Maybe I can do some of that tomorrow when I have free time in the morning between class and lunch.

We have our first staff meeting tomorrow. It was supposed to be on Monday, but it was canceled. So tomorrow I have my hall meeting as well as our first staff meeting. Hopefully it won't last 2 whole hours. That would seriously suck.

I'm tired. I want to go to bed, but Ken wants to tuck me in, and he doesn't get off work until midnight. Boo.

I still don't know what I'm doing about him...

RA training. As intense as ever. Annoying as ever. Even more so, really. Have I mentioned that I HATE my new boss? She's s huge bitch...more on that later. I have to get ready to go to breakfast.  I really like my small staff, though. They're very cool people. Maybe we'll just have an old fashioned mutiny and there will be no more Renee. Yeah...let's go for that.

Also, readjusting to getting up before 11:00 every morning isn't going as well as I'd like. It's SO hard getting up at 7:30!!!

I got my tattoo. It is AMAZING and so beautiful. I can't believe that I actually went through with the whole process though. It hurt SO bad...I can honestly say that it wouldn't have been quite so awful except that it was on my ribcage. Now it's just sore and feels like I have a really bad sunburn right there...it hurts. It hasn't really hit me yet that it's a permanent additive to my body. Nope, definitely hasn't hit me. Maybe it will in a few weeks when it doesn't rub off. I'll go into more details about the whole experience later. As of now, I have to get ready to go to work. YEAH. I'm closing tonight. This will be fun.


It does hurt, and it hurts a lot, but the pain is temporary. I'm really pleased with myself for actually doing this. I feel totally badass.

wow i'm so sleepy. the only reason i can come up with is the extra cardio. i mean. i did do two full hours of hardcore cardio work...so i'm thinking that's it. i'm just tired. i'll read for a little bit and call it a night. wow i'm such an old lady. oh well.

tomorrow i'm getting my tattoo. i really hope i don't have to sit upright and topless. that would be awkward.

I can fit into some of my express capris for the first time since I was a junior at Salem. I'm amazed. Today is a good, good day. I went to kickboxing today at noon and I'm getting ready for a second dose of cardio step class. I'm very pleased with myself. 

Holy shit. Ken's friend Ken just rolled his truck. It's completely totaled. And his friend Alex was in a jetski accident. He apparently has a metal rod in his hip. I'm not totally sure what that means as far as how he'll turn out. But...one of Katie's friends died in a jetski accident. And...it just freaks me out. I hope that he's going to be okay. I don't know him, I never met him, but still.

And Ken's biting my head off for being concerned. I know he's worried, but he's never talked about this guy Alex, so I'm wondering who he is and what happened, and he's biting my head off. It's pissing me off. I'm trying to be supportive but he's not making it easy for me to be that way. But I'm going to continue to be supportive because he needs support. Because. That's what girlfriends do... right?

I seriously hope I don't have to open anymore. Ever. Well...okay, maybe not ever, but not for a while anyway.

I'm still trying to figure out how to work around the whole bra issue when I get this tattoo on Tuesday. I'm thinking that I should just shell out the money for a backless bra or something, but the problem is that I have no money to shell out. Any thoughts? Maybe I'll just call the place and see what they have to say before I go and then have to go bra-less for the rest of the evening. That would not be okay, seeing as I have to close on Tuesday night. UGH.

I keep having nightmares about it too...like...that it's going to turn out horribly, or that my parents are going to find out and throw me out on the streets (I don't think that would happen, but I'd be in some seriously deep shit).

Any thoughts on the bra matter are very much welcomed.